hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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