Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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