we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
