turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
