I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
