Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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