I'm going to jail i love you
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
