well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's shark week go big or go home
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
