dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
