dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
