I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
