On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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