that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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