Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
