Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
