Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
