I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
