Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
