I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
