I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
