Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
