my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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