I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
