my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
