I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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