I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
