did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
