Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
