Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
