Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
