Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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