speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We got so high we made milksteak
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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