Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
