Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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