somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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