Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
