Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
