I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
