Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
