Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i dont even know how to be here
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
