Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
