it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
