have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
