oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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