Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
