hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
