this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
