dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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