Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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