I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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